Start Small-The Secret

I found a new Adoption Agency.

Still new to all of this. When I found my first Adoption Agency in Texas, I was relieved to be moving into their Birthmother center. They offered complete medical coverage, and they also offered helping me in regards to my future. Either by helping me with job hunts, taking classes in a community college, and so on. With this new Agency, I can stay in WA state, and not have to worry about leaving my Van here in WA, which was one of my worries in leaving to TX. Concerns, of course I still have with this new agency.

I am soon to turn 37, so I’m old enough to know, how things work these days. As much as I would love to say that I’m going to give my child the best by finding a loving family to give him or her everything he or she needs, I know that the only thing stopping me from being able to take care of my child is not having enough money. Of course this bothers me, how can it not? For 11 years I was never alone, with every single pregnancy, I had my husband by my side, never did we worry, “How can we afford this child”?. Every pregnancy was a joy, a blessing, until now. While I was married, It was always agreed, I was the stay at home mom, he was the one who would continue his Navy Career.

If someone would have told me, Lucy get your degree now, because in the future, you will be Divorced, alone, homeless. I though that I was doing my wifely duties, by letting him get his Degree while we were stationed in Hawaii, letting him succeed in his career while I took care of the children. I was happy, and I felt fulfilled with my role. Was it all for nothing? Should I have been selfish instead?

Going after the MyCAA Military Spouse Scholarship in 2009 while stationed in WA state, and getting $6,000 to finally start my degree was a blessing. Even though I was pregnant with my third, tired and exhausted, I threw myself into University Of Phoenix’s Online classes, I felt empowered, like I was finally doing something for myself, for my future. It still wasn’t enough, If only I would have started sooner.

I still continued with my studies when we got stationed in Sasebo, Japan. This time I had 4 children, I lived in the mountains of Sasebo, I wanted to explore the culture fully and completely, I wanted my Japanese driving license, and I wanted to drive amongst the crazy Japanese Taxy drivers and the insane scooters that seemed to fill the roads in Japan. I wanted to explore, and show my children that, being afraid is not part of living.

It was hard driving my two oldest to School, down that massive Japanese mountain, then driving back up the mountain, putting two little ones to nap, doing chores, homework, then waking them up, driving down the mountain, picking up my girls from school, taking all of them to the park, then finally driving home, getting dinner started, starting their homework and projects, laundry, toddlers running around without diapers.

It was a chaos I enjoyed, a chaos I was used to, but it was hard.

Now with this agency, once I tell them where I want to live, which is where my Employer lives. My employer is in the Navy, it’s a new Nanny job I found after praying to God to help me move from the previous dreadful place I lived in, where my roommate was smoking in the home, which gave me terrible allergies and made my clothing smell awful. My employer offered me a room, and I took it. Sure it only pays me $500 a month, barely enough to survive on my own, but I welcome the change, and I am thankful. Living in these apartments close to her will be beneficial to me. I can walk to her apartment, easy, no fuss. She is pregnant with her second, so I will be the babies Nanny as well.

Once I told the Agency the amount of rent they would have to pay, which is around $670 a Month, plus a $300 deposit…she responded, “It is a little high, considering that the adoptive parents will pay for that”. Of course, they do want my child correct? What price do I give my child? This is a sales transaction, no matter in what way you look at it, and truthfully, my child is worth more than just a few hundred dollars for 5 months. Who is gaining more here? They are gaining a child, I am gaining monthly payments for just a few months and after that, I am on my own. Financially broken, without my child, and partly devastated.

I’m truly trying. Really I am.

Maybe I should play the lottery, I’ve never played it in my life…you never know?

Something that changed my life was watching, “The Secret”, and “The Power”. Coming from a childhood where I was attending Church Camps, and Church, after church, trying to find Christ, God, Jesus, Dios, you know who I’m talking about, I was surprised to find something interesting, WE are the power, we hold the key to our….thoughts. That simply means that our answers lie within us, not in a man made structure that was mainly used for many years to control it’s people.

If Jesus walked through the doors of a Church and exclaimed, “I AM JESUS”!

I wonder what reaction all the wonderful, “Christians” would have? Not excitement, not relief, not faith, nor loyal to their….”beloved Jesus”.

What does that tell me? Or show me, that most Christians are afraid of the unknown, but aren’t we all?

Yes, but I refuse to judge others, and use the “I’m a Christian” card as a trophy. Everyone sins, everyone SINS. Your sin? Is not bigger than mine…no matter how you look at it. I’m sorry if that doesn’t resonate with you.

We all have the potential to change, to forgive, and to live the life…we want to live.

I hope that in a year, my life is different, and beautiful, and full of joy and happiness.

Another book I read in a few days was, “The Glass Castle”, if you haven’t read this book…go buy it.

This woman wrote her manuscript for years, and was so frustrated with it, she threw away it several times, until she finally decided to publish it. Then it became a New York Times Best Seller.

When I read how her parents raised her, I though, “How did these parents get away with raising their children this way”? But they did.  This woman slept in the Desert as a child, she was hungry for weeks at a time, and she had to eat from the garbage of her school cafeteria because she hardly ever had lunch given to her for school, he clothes where always dirty, her parents could barely keep a job, even though her mother had a teaching degree, her father was an alcoholic. They moved constantly, they never had a place to call home, and once as little kids, they where resorted to using a bucket in the kitchen as the toilet, because their little house had no working bathroom. The list goes on and on.

The Glass Castle…simply amazing.

If I want to change my life, it’s on me, and me alone.





My Children


4 months ago, I lived in a beautiful 5 bedroom Japanese home up in the beautiful mountains of Sasebo, Japan. I was a stay at home mother of 4 beautiful children who I gave my soul too, I had been married for 11 years to a Military man, then I divorced in Japan, and I was left with nothing but $1,048 a month of child support for 4 children. With no savings, no help, no family, and no representation, I could not fight anymore, emotionally I am burned out. My ex harasses me in Japan while I’m taking our daughter to Sure Start, he blocks my vehicle with a Military truck demanding me to sign the Divorce papers, NCIS get’s involved. He begs me to not tell them what he did exactly, and I don’t.

He almost loses rank for getting someone pregnant in his command while still being married, but he doesn’t, the Military needs him too much. His security clearance was that important, and his job was not easy to fill.

He takes the 2012 taxes, $10,000 total, and does not give me a penny, the law does not apply to him. I needed half to head to WA with our 4 children since I didn’t go after Spousal Support after 11 years, or after his pension, he makes his own decisions on what I deserve and what I don’t, whether they are right or wrong. I could not take my children to WA with no money, and only $1,048 a month of Child support being offered for 4 children.

I struggle for weeks, I could not see myself without my children..ever. Even the household goods from Japan to WA state would have taken months to arrive to WA, I could not be in an empty apartment with my angels, and he knew I had no other option once he took all the Taxes and all of the Savings.

The welfare of my children was the most important thing to me.

I decided to leave my children in Japan with my ex and his new 20 something year old Mormon girlfriend who was now pregnant with his 5th child. It was the first time I had ever been away from my Children. I was still breastfeeding my 2 ½ year old little boy, named Brandon, when I left Japan. I left to WA state with only $400 in my pocket. The only thing I got from the divorce that could help me start over, and prepare me for my children’s future arrival to WA was a new Van we had in storage here in WA, I found a job as a Nanny and I took it, it paid me only $800 a month. I started dating to move forward and maybe find happiness, I prayed to God for a family, I was missing my children, I couldn’t stop crying, it was killing me, having a child was the furthest thing from my mind, I was finally working, I was stable, finishing my studies online, dating, then on January the 14th, I found out at 36 that I was pregnant with my 5th child.

It’s my first pregnancy as a single woman with no health care. I told the man I was dating of my pregnancy; he called me crazy, and a liar. I never call him again after that. I was devastated, for the first time in my life, I am alone and pregnant, In fear, and in shock, I struggle to look for answers, I leave my best friend’s house, I am homeless for 1 1/2 weeks; I live in the back of my Van, in a parking lot, in the middle of winter, in 19 degree weather, in the back seat, then finally on a camping mattress. I sell my favorite thing, my Nikon, just to have extra money in my pocket. I then placed an ad online and asked for help, I move in with a sweet Military young man who offers me a room in his 3 bedroom house for a small amount of rent, I feel safe here, but only for a while. I get fired from my job when I tell them of my pregnancy.

I know that I can’t take care of this child on my own, with no health care, and no support. I am 13 weeks pregnant, after I lost my job once I told them of my pregnancy, I decide to call an agency and ask for help in placing my child up for adoption. I can’t think of having an abortion, it would have been the easiest way out, and I do support abortion, and women’s rights, but I can’t do it. I even go to my best friend and ask her, because she has gone through 2 abortions, I hear her stories, and I am saddened by them, in one of them she was already was 5 months pregnant, and the description she gave me, of the procedure to stop the babies heart, just broke mine into pieces. I knew my baby had a heart beat already, and I could not bear the thought of taking those steps. Now my checking account is at $9.

I’m about to take a flight to TX soon, from WA state, the adoption agency is funding my decision to move into their Dorms in Fort Worth, TX, where they have a wonderful Facility for Birth Mothers. I am scared to death to give my child away, but I don’t see any other option. I want to give this child the same beautiful life I gave 4 children for 11 years, but I am not able to.

I do still believe in miracles.

I am not a Victim, I am a survivor.